So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
