The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
