Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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