Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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