I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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