youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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