my being single is dangerous.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I have fence marks all over my body
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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