I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Dicks are not precious.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
