The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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