My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
