Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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