So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
