if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Pants are for mortals
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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