Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
