he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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