I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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