just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Randomize
