remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Randomize
