it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
