im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
