I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
