The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
