i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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