dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
