I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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