The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
