i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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