i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
