you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
