Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
