I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
