once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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