oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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