I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Holy shit dude........stairs
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