At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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