umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
