I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
