You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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