Apparently you make a good broom.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.