You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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