The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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