i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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