hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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