Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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