we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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