I look better un-naked...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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