i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
