apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
