She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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