So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
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She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
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i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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