I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
