Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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