The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
