Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
