I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
