i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
