It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
