There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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