Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
